So usually I always disclaim how "I am not an expert" on any of the things I write about, I just share my experience.. well for this post. I feel like I am more than qualified based on my resume to consider myself an expert in this arena!

I managed to graduate from high school, college, & law school with a kid in tow & was “crazy” enough to decide to have another baby during law school.  So I think I have more than enough insight and expertise to share.

I want to start by saying this, having a baby in law school IS NOT for everyone! It would be a disservice to not acknowledge that everyone's SITUATION, dynamic and circumstances are different, as such, people should ALWAYS do what works for them.

However; I've been asked more than I can remember now, “what’s it’s like, if I should, & what to expect having a baby in law school” therefore, I am sharing my experience. Be it an aspiring law student, current law student who doesn’t want to wait to begin a family, and even inquisitive attorneys who sometimes ask "how I did it?!” because they just couldn't imagine adding the stress of motherhood or a baby while in law school. Here’s your answer.

Finally writing this post, almost three years post law school graduation, and two years as a practicing attorney to encourage someone else who may be on or considering the journey of law school and motherhood. 

First things first... like I said above; it is NOT for everybody. You have to know yourself and your abilities before consciously or unconsciously decide to have a baby period, & you definitely have to consider what that looks like to do so during such a rigorous course of study if you’re in law school or it’s in your sights.

If you aren’t in law school yet, & you’re still just considering applying, I will be the first to tell you IT IS HARD. Law school is like nothing I’ve ever done before. It’s long nights, it’s lots of reading, it’s lots of information to retain, it requires a ton of time, dedication, money & energy. But if you’re determined to go, determined to get a law degree; law school is doable- “What like it’s hard?!” Lol

For those in law school, you already know what the Journey to JD is like so there’s no need to even speak further about it. Solidarity.

But I will say this, even with a spouse. Even with a baby. Even with a family. Even with no money. Even with no support. You can still go to law school, have a baby, pass the bar & become a successful attorney if that is your goal.

Now back to the point of this post.

The decision to have a baby in law school. - My Case Study

For me it felt like it was only apropos. As I said before, I had a baby in high school, who followed me to college…. so why not have a baby in law school? At this point it's tradition right? OG School Momma. Haha ok, it's not that easy of a choice & definitely wasn’t the easiest journey, however I survived and you can to.

Here are a few things you should consider to determine if it’s the right thing for you.

• Timing. I think the most important aspect of this decision for me was the timing, and there weren’t many other “benefits” better than this.

When it comes to the outlay of your day, having a baby while in law school made the most sense to me. You're not on the clock from 9-5 which means just a tab bit of flexibility, & “freedom.” (I use quotation marks because let’s face it, there is no such thing as freedom in law school, that case law, those books, moot court, trial ad, law review-OWN YOU!) So you’re free “allegedly,” to create a schedule around your classes that fits YOUR school and family needs.

One of the best decisions I made, was to treat law school like a full time job. Your classes will usually fall between the hours of 8am-5pm with breaks in between. Utilizing the "free time" between classes to get work done, prepare for meetings, finish projects, etc. so that when I got home in the evening, I got a break, albeit small- before diving back into my books for the evening, was a game changer. This allowed me to truly have some semblance of balance. Also, when you’re pregnant this room in your schedule allows time for doctors appointments and “naps” when needed lol - Something you can’t take advantage of while working as an attorney full time. 

For me, this was a major factor in considering if we wanted to add a baby during or after law school. It made the most sense for us to take advantage of the flexibility I'd have in my schedule while in school, rather than having to take time off work had we waited until after law school. (Edited to add that although we “planned” this pregnancy for this very reason, God had other plans and I still had another baby my first year as a big girl attorney, a post on that will come later)

• Maternity Leave- in law school there is no such thing as maternity leave. 

You're still responsible for assignments

You're still required to stick to the attendance policy if your school has one.

You don’t get “sick” days or time off so that can be stressful. Not every pregnancy is without sickness or complications so this MUST be a major consideration.

• Health Insurance- You may not have the proper health insurance coverage which can lead to medical debt. I was covered by the insurance at my husbands job. However, we still had to come out of pocket a couple of grand for delivery :( I say delivery because, under the Affordable Care Act, prenatal care (leading up to delivery) is free for most, if not all women.

Some law schools offer a health insurance plan for students that can be rolled into your tuition. But unless you are paying for school without loans, realize this is a loan and money you’ll have to pay back so consider the expense/debt that comes along with this option.

• Childcare - I can’t think if any professional school that offers childcare, babysitting, or any similar service for their students if there is one, comment below so my readers can know :) Once the baby is born, you will have to go back to class, because again there is no maternity leave that won’t delay your graduation date. Unless your partner is a stay at home parent, or you have a live-in relative, chances are you’ll have to find care for your new baby outside the home. This is not always easy. Not only is it a challenge to find reliable caregivers, who are qualified, and will take great care of your baby I’m your absence. . For many moms, leaving their new babies in someone else’s care for 6+ hours a day leads to mental, physical, and emotional stress.

We had our baby in the final semester of my 3L year when my schedule provided much more flexibility than 1L or 2L year. I had classes only 3 days a week and had various breaks in between classes. I was able to partner with a classmate who I trusted who had an alternate schedule. Since we had classes on different days, she watched Ian on the days/times I had class until graduation. Roughly 3 months. She lived very close to campus so I would drop off Ian on my way to campus, with all his essentials. I would have to pump in between classes and would leave the milk with her on pick up for the next time he was over.

We found a system that worked for us, but it was not easy. I went to school just a couple of weeks after delivery (there was a short break in time for spring break) I lived over an hour from campus so car rides with a newborn to three month old was not always an hour. There were stops for diaper changes and feedings, and cuddling on many occasions, which made me have to adjust my schedule as to when I’d leave for class and so forth.

Thankfully we weren’t far from graduation so things weren’t too bad but this can be a huge game-changer for many in their 1L or 2L year.

• Money- Children are expensive I think the newest data out there suggest that it cost a little over $230,000 to raise a child until they are 17 years old. (This is 2020 data) The first year is usually one of the most costly. There are essential baby items you NEED: Car Seats, Basinet/Crib/ Clothing, Formula (if you are not breastfeeding- the formula for babies is EXPENSIVE) & all the other little things that babies need, they add up. So this is certainly something to consider. If you are a full-time law student chances are you do not (because you are not allowed to) have a job, and therefore you are either living off savings, family support, student loans, or a combination of these things. So the cost of having a baby should be one of the main things to account for when making this decision.

I hope that this was helpful, as I said before everyone’s situation is unique and you have to do what is best for you. My goal was to let you know what you should consider, and also, that it is POSSIBLE to do! If you end up on the wild journey of mothering and law school, feel free to contact me to chat via email or social media, I love making Law Mom Friends :)

The Best Ways to save for your CHILD'S future

Let me start by saying...no one said you have to save for your child's college. College may not be in your kid's future, you may not have the ability to provide for their college financially, or you may not want to! All of that is just fine, if you're wanting to put something away to assist your kid with college, but have absolutely no idea where to start (like we were just a few months ago) then this post is for you!

We decided we would like to help our kids with college if they choose to do that. My main concerns:

-We are still so young, and plan to have a lot of living left to do. There are a lot of unknowns and I'm afraid to lock money away we may need in the future. For example, even though we have a great start to our retirement, what if something happens that inhibits us from putting more money away for the next 30 years (loss of a job, a disability etc.)

-What if they chooses not to go to college, or don’t need the money later for other reasons? For example receives a full ride to school or lots of scholarship. 

-We'd like to continue to save for another down payment on our next house.

-I want to have control over the account, because I'm a control freak.

We decided to do a combination of a couple of these routes, in order to best address my concerns. The primary ways I suggest considering to save for your child's college is one of these three ways:

1. Your own Roth IRA

2.  A State's 529 Plan

3.  Coverdell ESA (Education Savings Account)

Roth IRA

My personal favorite way to save for your child's college, is through your own Roth IRA. The biggest concern I have with people saving/paying for their child's college, is when the parents don't have their own financial future in order. By the time your child is in college, you need to feel pretty good about where you are in your current state, and retirement if you want to start paying for their education. That's why I love saving for college in a Roth IRA. Stocking up money in your own Roth IRA allows you to make sure you are not neglecting your future. As a reminder, a Roth IRA is money you're putting a side, after paying taxes on it. That means you can pull out the money tax-free later. The beauty of this is since you've already paid taxes on it, after 5 years you can pull out contributions (not earnings) tax-free, and when you are retirement age you can pull all of it out tax-free. I do not encourage ever touching your retirement account early, except in this circumstance if you are secure in what you have saved for your own retirement. If you don't have a Roth IRA, or don't know what that is, I've mentioned it before here. Even if you're not thinking about your child's college, I love Roth IRA accounts. 

Pros:

1. You're not neglecting your own retirement and financial future

2. Pull contributions out without a penalty as long as it has been 5 years or more since you put that money in. (also when you pull money out, you assume you're pulling out contributions first, which is good) This also applies for pulling money out for things like a down-payment or emergency

3. You always have control over the money, even when your child is in college

4. If your child doesn't go to college, you can still use the money for other things in retirement. You don't lose it or face a penalty to use it for something else

Cons:

1. Contribution limits are $5,500 per year. If you and your spouse both have Roth IRA's you can each contribute that much towards your own.

2.  No current tax breaks. You're paying taxes before you put the money in.

3. Can only pull out contributions without a penalty.  If you pull out investment income you will pay a penalty and tax.

529 Plans

These are my second favorite, and we opened one of these for our kids. Each state has a 529 plan, and you can set one up in whatever state, no matter what state you live in. This one is a bit trickier, because every state is different. We live in Virginia, and they have a great 529 plan in my opinion.

Pro:

1. Contribution Limits are practically non existent in my book. (you can only contribute until the balance for the beneficiary reaches $360,000...I can guarantee you we won't be saving that much for college)

2. Contributions may be deductible on your state income tax return. (This depends on your state. Virginia does, for example, which is great since we live/work here and I pay Virginia state tax. It wouldn't help someone in Oklahoma to do this, unless they were working in Virginia and paying state tax there.

3. Your child does not get ownership when they turn 18, you retain control

4. The gains are never taxed if used for qualified education expenses. 

5. If your child gets a scholarship, you can pull out the money equal to the scholarship amount without a penalty. The earnings will be subject to income tax at that point. That isn't so bad though. 

Con:

1.  You cannot pay for school expenses prior to college (example private school for high school)

2.  There is a penalty for spending the money on non-educational expenses.

3. Also if you pull money out, unlike a Roth IRA you are considered to be pulling out both contributions and earnings. So it cannot double as a retirement or emergency fund for you without being penalized for taking money out.

4. Pay attention to the fees and that there is stable management with whomever you decide to fund your 529 through. 

Coverdell Education Savings Account

Lastly, the ESA. There is nothing wrong with an ESA, there are some great things about them, but we primarily made the decision not to fund an ESA at this time because, I don't want our kids to have control over the account and I have no intention of ever paying for private school for them. These accounts are also fantastic ways to save, and if you're thinking of private school for K-12 I'd highly consider this. There is a big limitation based on income.

Pro:

1. You can use the money to pay for qualified K-12 education expenses

2.  Contributions are post-tax, and the investment income generated is never taxed if you pay for qualified expenses
3. Rumor has it you have more control over the investments in an ESA compared to a 529
4. If your child gets a scholarship, you can pull out the money equal to the scholarship amount without a penalty. The earnings will be subject to income tax at that point. That isn't so bad though. 

Con:

1. Each child can only receive $2,000 a year put into their ESA

2. Depending on the plan, your child owns the ESA when they reach 18 (so if your child decides to pull the money out to pay for whatever the cool gadget is in 2035, the child will pay a huge penalty and all you can do is smack them upside the head). I love our boys, and I'm sure they will grow up to be a great kids, but I know that my parents were smart not handing me a $60,000+ check when I turned 18 and saying "here, this is for college" because we all know where that would have gone (anything but college) 

3. Beneficiary must use the account before turning 30

DISCLAIMER: This is a quick once-over of the plans that I found to be most interesting. This does not detail every aspect of the plan, and I am not giving this as expert advice. My advice is to the average person looking to compare these 3 ways of saving for your child's college. Please see a financial adviser for more information.

UGMA- Uniform Gift to Minors Act, not necessarily focused on education. It is a trust account with a group of assets you are gifting to your child. A major drawback is that the child gets full control at 18 or 21. The parent is no longer in control and you cannot change the beneficiary to another child after they reach the age of majority.  Also, it will have negative financial aid impacts because it is considered income. Can be used on anything, not just education cost. 

Edited to add: Since this post was published the IRS has updated its rules surrounding 529 accounts. As of 2018: “You can use the money in a 529 account for K–12 private-school education” This is something you should be be aware of what the time frame is in which you’re investing money in the 529 plan.

Also the law change in 2019, has now made it possible to use your 529 to pay for your student loans: “ The Setting Every Community Up for Retirement Enhancement Act, a spending bill known as the SECURE Act, established a lifetime limit of $10,000 from a 529 plan that can be used without any penalties or tax consequences to repay the beneficiary's student loans, including federal and most private loans. An additional $10,000 can be used to repay student loans held by each of the beneficiary's siblings.”

If you still don’t know where to get started, check out COLLEGEBACKER.COM it is a great website to use to fund your 529 plan, and you can also have family members make contributions as gifts as well, a gift that can grow overtime, yes please!!! It makes it really easy to save for college. They provide recommendations on investment portfolios and manage the portfolio for you & I am not getting paid to refer you to their site :) 

Last month (ok this post is late -- February) was a busy yet exciting time for our family as we celebrated Ian's first birthday! It is so hard to believe that a year has already gone by. As the old saying goes: "time flies when you are having fun." I know for me, this first year was interesting. Complex in the first few months finishing law school with a newborn. (For those who asked, I AM working on a blog post about having kids in law school) & after law school adjusting to being a stay at home mom (also more on that later lol)  I was quickly reminded that life with an infant is no walk in the park!  I found myself re-adjusting to being a mother all over again. I had to relearn a ton, as so much has changed in the last 13 years.  

It really caused me to pause and appreciate the time! To reflect and focus on what matters & ignore the things that do not. I've learned most importantly to cherish each and every moment of my kids lives! Because here it is I have a 13 year old (& I am still trying to process that, meanwhile he will be 14 in less than 6 months -- haha) & now a toddler. They really do grow up fast.  

All in all, we have a very interesting home life for sure! 

Having Ian in the house has made me realize that for every "first" milestone were celebrating for him, were also experiencing a ton of "last" for Shaun. It's painful at times to even accept that kubb will be out of the home in 4.5 years, on his way to college or wherever God leads him. MIND BLOWN. 

Speaking of first and last, on Ian’s first birthday we also had kubbs last middle school basketball game. (They won by the way. They went the entire season undefeated, and Kubb shot the buzzer beater, it was pretty epic!-- I was so busy enjoying the moment I didn't capture it on my phone, but I am ok with that. I was there, we saw it, and we celebrated with him in that moment :) ) 

In addition to reflecting in the past 12 months, I have also found myself doing something I never want to do as a parent; compare my children. Ok I know at this age it's no biggie but I don't want to create that habit of having Ian live up to the expectations we have because of Kubb. {Moms of multiples, how do you not compare kids?}

Ian marches to his own beat! I feel like we are in for such a treat raising him because he will surely provide us with TONS of great stories as he grows up,  given the little personality he has already. Ok but back to the comparison trap, Y'all KUBB WAS THE PERFECT BABY ( I mean he's still a pretty amazing young man) but when I say he was the poster child for good babies, he was just that. He never cried, he would let family hold him (rolling my eyes thinking about how funny acting Ian is to everyone lol) he slept through the night around 6 months old (Yea, Ian is 13 months and STILL HASN'T quite figured out sleeping through the night yet,) Kubb hardly ever got sick( we had two hospital visits with Ian in his first 12months) Kubb hardly cried, or anything, he was just a good baby!!! --- I know they say all children are different but I didn't quite understand it until now... Ian is the TOTAL opposite of Kubb as a baby. I thought for sure some things would be the same, nope! lol 

Kubb actually said to me that "God knew what I needed when I had him" insinuating that I was young, and clueless when I had him, so God looked out. I couldn't help but laugh because that is so true. I was a scared 15 year old kid myself who had no idea how to be a mom. God made it easy for me with Kubb and spoiled me in the process.  

BUT I LOVE IT. I love being able to learn to parent again through a totally different experience. I love learning who Ian is and what he likes, instead of trying to just "do what I did with kubb" I've had no choice but to reinvent the wheel and it's been an exciting year! 

What I love most about my "SPLIT-MOM" experience, because it really is an experience. (If you're clueless on what a split mom is, go here) is the relationship Kubb & Ian are developing. It absolutely melts my heart! Although they are 13 years apart, they get along so well for the most part... Y'all they even fight like brothers already, haha. Ian looks up to kubb, he tries to copy everything he does, he yells at him, tries to play the PS4 with him, they eat cereal and watch saturday cartoons together, its just cute. Ian actually learned to say Kubb before saying mama (well he still doesn't say mama, mommy,, ma or nothing! lol -  If you ask him to say mama, he will say dada and laugh! He trolls me, daily.) He likes to go in kubbs room to get his attention. By attention I mean knocking all his stuff down & rolling his basketball out the room knowing kubb will chase him for it.  He calls for him, and sometimes kubb will just come save Ian from his "boring parents!" They're such a dynamic duo already!! 

I pray as the years go by they continue to be best friends and celebrate each others "first" & "last" together as a team! 

What's happening in this picture? - KUBB: Ian smile IAN: Nah bruh. 

"Money always flows away from those who don't manage it toward those who do"

Since my last blog post, I have had a few people ask me for a follow up post about BUDGETING. Some were really interested in how we paid down our debt, and others just interested in getting their finances in order for the new year.

So obviously I have some folks who are: tired of overspending, want to save money for certain purchases, get paid and have no clue where all their money goes; that follow me. Do any of these things sound familiar to you? Fret not, I wrote this post with you in mind.

I was once that person I just described above. After a few changes to my mindset surrounding money and some healthy adjustments to my spending habits, I can now answer those questions in the negative!  (Ok I still overspend at times on coffee - smh- it is a process.) 

Most people don’t like talking finances because it’s such a taboo topic. Myself included.

For instance Noah and I never discuss dollar figures & finances with anyone outside of our circle, (God, each other & our financial advisor.) Just because we feel as though its nobody else's business. I mean really it's not. But mainly because we have a healthy view and relationship with money that some people don't share. We view money as an object to make exchanges. We don't let money control us, we control our money. We don't think more money will take away our problems, we make it work with what we have. We spend within OUR means, and we allocate every dollar to what WE deem is important to US.

Some people really don't have boundaries when it comes to money. People also tend to think if you make x amount of dollars you have imaginary money that they like to spend for you. So to keep from having to run down the long list of expenses and places our money goes, we just choose not to talk about it with anyone outside of us.

We do however believe in discussing money with our kids, well mainly Kubb, Ian has no clue what money is right now. This is because a lot of the money habits people have are inadvertently handed down to them. So we want our children to understand money for what it is and have a healthy relationship with money themselves as they grow older and make their own financial decisions.

I also think it’s ok to talk about eliminating debt. Sometimes people just need to know that they can do it too. Wealth building and financial independence should not be a secret. (Especially when you're talking about what most millenials can relate to: STUDENT LOANS -- the added layer of Medical School  &  Law School type of student loans (6 FIGURES) yea, we all need some advice in that area - I will dedicate a post to this in the future) In the meantime if you're looking for more (Medical School Debt advice) the best place to start is- THE WHITE COAT INVESTOR. 

Ok, now back to the reason you're here. You want to discover the magic of mastering your finances in 2018, SO YOU CAN ANSWER NO TO THOSE QUESTIONS TOO. Guess what?! It starts with one word, BUDGET. Budgeting is the first step to financial literacy and freedom. 

Budgeting allows you to create a plan for your money and ensures you have enough for everything you need. Budgeting most importantly allows you to control your money instead of your money controlling you. 

Seeing where your money goes every month can be very eye opening.   

Realizing you over spent on groceries, gas, & eating out is not cool. Especially when that extra money could have gone to eliminating debt or building wealth.  

DISCLAIMER: I am not a money expert. I can only share what works for us & hope that it helps you! Talk to a financial advisor or CPA for individual advice and direction. 

First things first

STRATEGY

• Note your NET income (after pre/post tax deductions- in other words what you bring home)

• Track your spending for a month (Every item, every dollar- it is time consuming at 1st but it is for a great reason- don't skip this step)

• Set your budget -- Allocate your money. THIS IS WHERE YOU CREATE A BUDGET.

  • Fixed expenses first: Tithes, Mortgage/Rent, Utilities, Car Payment, Insurance (health, car, life) , DEBT, Subscriptions, Phone Bill.

  • Then variable expenses (things that change month-month): Household products, Gas, Groceries, Leisure, Personal, Misc.

  • Non-Negotiables ( Savings Categories listed below)

• Adjust if necessary : if you realize that you only spend x on misc stuff instead of yz then allocate that money somewhere else.

Also, review your budget month- if not every couple of weeks!  I do a mid month and month end budget check to see where we are. 

Savings - My mantra is pay God 1st, then yourself. Don't wait to see what you have left over to save, instead use what you have after you SAVE.

Here are some suggested savings categories. Think of what is non-negotiable (things you will put money to no matter what) and start funding those things first. 

• EMERGENCY FUND - Life happens. You can lose your job, have a huge medical expenses and so forth- Some people suggest having 3-6 months of income in an emergency fund. [DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU] but don't neglect creating an emergency fund. Even if it is $500-$1000.

• RETIREMENT FUND - (401K, 403b, IRA, Roth IRA, TSP) My suggestion here again is to do what works FOR YOU. Every one's financial situation is unique. If you're able at the very least put in enough to get your employer match if there is one - it is FREE MONEY)

• CHILDREN EDUCATION FUND - Post about different ways to do this coming next month :)

• INVESTMENTS - (Mutual funds, Index Funds, Stocks- whatever you PERSONALLY decide to invest your money in. If you don't know where to start, do some research or talk to a financial advisor.)

• DEBT PAYOFF - (NON-NEGOTIABLE) Paying off your debt allows you to save more money. The money you would have paid in interest can go to something else, if you make extra debt payments with any extra money you have monthly (even an extra $50 a month) can save you a ton on interest.

• SPECIFIC PURCHASES -(If you know you're going to be needing a new car in 6 months, or planning a big party/wedding, vacation etc. those things should go here.)

• SINKING FUND - ( Car maintenance, house repairs, birthdays, holidays etc.)

Budgeting can be difficult the first few months but if you hang in there it will pay off -- Pun Intended ;)

It takes practice, and discipline, but you will be so happy you did this once you begin to see results.

~ HAPPY BUDGETING ~

The MAJOR Financial Move I’m making to ensure I reach my financial goals in 2018: A NO SPEND YEAR. I will go into detail about this in a later post, but yea- it means what it says! 😅  One caveat: I did purchase myself a very nice "gift" (mainly with christmas money) to sate my desires for the duration of this challenge. I also purchased a back orderderd & pre-ordered item back in 2017 before I decided I was going to do a no spend year. They will both come as a great "surprise" & I can still receive gifts ;) - Although, gifting will require discipline because shopping for others usually leads to finding things for myself, lol.  But for the most part I am not spending  money on any"THING" other than necessities in 2018!! 

Here are a few suggested  Budget Planners, & books to get you started Budgeting the RIGHT WAY. 

For those looking for great apps to track your money & budget I suggest MINT, YOUNEEDABUDGET, & EVERYDOLLAR

BTW,  If anyone ask; don't be afraid to say...

Being on a budget doesn't mean You're CHEAP or BROKE, it means You're smart.

If you’re unfamiliar with the medical journey, the term “away Rotations” means nothing to you. However, for those that are on the journey with a spouse in medicine, the term can be dreadful.  

For most residents, & even medical students at some point during their training they will have to “go away” to another hospital- sometimes in different states to get the training they need in a certain specialty. 

Most of the time, if you’re in a very big program or in a metropolitan area- away Rotations are not a thing. But for those in small to medium size programs located in less populated or rural areas, away Rotations are inevitable. 

On our journey we’ve endured around 10 away Rotations, & Noah just finished his LAST one this month. Hooray! 

We may have a few deployments in our future but I feel like this has been good ground for preparation, but that part of the medical journey is finally over for us. 

As such, I thought it would be helpful to lend some key advice to those who are supporting their spouse through this long and sometimes lonely journey in medicine.  

• Communicate when you can. Realize that your partner will probably be extremely busy on the hospital floor. Don’t expect text/phone calls all throughout the day, but communicate whenever possible. An Apple Watch honestly is a great way to send a quick I miss you, I love you, I’m thinking of you text without much distraction. You may not always get a response. Learn to be ok with that. & when you talk, try not to complain or argue. Chances are your spouse is under a lot of stress, pick you battles.
  

• Visit if you can: like I said above, some away rotations are in different states so this can be expensive- especially on a training budget. However if funds and time allow, go visit. If its a car ride away, pop up for a weekend. I will caution that just because you decide to visit, doesn't mean your partners obligations decrease. They still may very well be busy at the hospital, but at the very least you'll be able to spend some quality time when they're done working :)
  

• Find a hobby. I can’t stress this enough. Really keeping yourself busy makes the time fly. Find something you enjoy & DO THAT.
  

• Absence makes the heart grow fonder, thats still a thing. Distance can force you to have a greater appreciation for each other, if you view it correctly. Now if you're just going to be resentful the whole time your partner is away because you have no one to help with the kids, dishes and laundry- tough. However, if you look at it from the lens of appreciation for all that they do when they are around, when they return you appreciate them more. Its so easy to lose sight of each other going through life day to day doing the mundane. When a person is physically absent it causes you to pause and appreciate their presence. Although you may not feel like it, I’m sure they’d rather be with you & they miss you just as much as you miss them. Cherish the time apart and use it as a chance to date again: talk on the phone, plan your next date, get to know each other better.
  

• When all else fails, curl up with a bottle of wine & watch Netflix. At least then every once in a blue moon Netflix will check on you to see if you’re still there ;)

P.S. If you have children and can afford it, get some help. Pay a baby sitter to give you a day off. Take care of yourself. Go to the nail salon, do something to treat yourself. You deserve it! 

Hang in there & remember that this is only temporary!  

“ We do not remember the days, we remember the moments” - Cesare Pavese

This post is late, like over a year over due - BUT better late than never :)

I know in the future I plan to write about our life and experience with Noah being a Doctor in Air Force, but after thinking about previous blog post I realized many people may not know that Noah is a Physician in the Air Force - so here is a short post to catch you up.

Before Noah & I got married, Noah briefly entertained the idea of joining the military as a physician while in medical school.  

Fast forward to a year before medical school graduation, now married, I nudged Noah to revisit the idea of the military as a career choice.  

{Random people have always asked Noah if he was in the military before he joined- I guess it’s the bald head & his love for fitness?!}

There was a lot of thought that went into the decision and after weighing the pros & cons we decided, he should give it a shot?! We almost kick ourselves that we didn't do it sooner. 

{In case you're wondering, YES I said WE because his decision to join means that WE as a family JOIN, the direction of our family's future will largely be shaped by Noah's career in the military. I've already felt the effect with graduation from law school and deciding which bar to take- more on that later- so yes WE as a unit decided to join the military.}

After a rigorous and detailed application process (almost 2 years) Noah was officially Commissioned as Capt. Wallace in the United States Air Force. YAY!! 

We had a small commissioning ceremony at Noah’s Family Home in Maryland. 

A little before the ceremony we decided since we’d have close friends and family together all at one time, we'd surprise everyone -including ourselves- with a gender reveal!  (Which totally wasn't a thing when I had Kubb, Split Mom Problems :) 

Check out the pictures below! 

As some of you may know, I had a veryyy tough pregnancy.

While I was over joyed to finally be expecting after suffering 3 miscarriages in a row, it was not fun, or pregnancy goals. I was not glowing, in fact if I am being honest, I was miserable most days.

I barely had the energy to do anything (working out was totally off the table with my 2 hour commute) and I was sick the entire 39 weeks so I just ate whatever my body tolerated and wouldn't reject.

As a result, I gained a ton of weight during my pregnancy. Weight that has made me self conscious as a mother (pun intended lol) 

I have to keep reminding myself that it took over a year (the 3 miscarriages & my pregnancy with Ian) to gain this weight so I have to at least give myself the same time to get it off. 

Admittedly though, it has been hard to do at 9 months in. Not one to make excuses but the first few months I was trying to finish school to ensure I graduated on time, and after graduating I've been taking care of a Ian, and our household around my husbands crazy schedule. So I just have to go to the gym when I can.

When Ian turned 6months old, I thought since he was eligible for child-watch at the gym working out would be easier. Umm yea, after about 3 workouts Ian got booted for being a cry baby. They called like ma'am we've tried everything he will not stop crying, COME GET YOUR BABY.  While it wasn't necessarily embarrassing (BABIES WILL BE BABIES - he didn't know or trust those folks) I felt like my motivation took 10 steps back. My excitement to get back in the gym faded and the business of life took over. 

While I have managed to make it back to the gym (I have to take Ian to his baby sitter) My mindset about working out has shifted. 

I've let go of the timeline, and I've learned to embrace my body for what it is a baby making machine :) 

Sometimes I post "look at me I'm in the gym" pictures to  my Instagram Stories and I usually get DM's from other moms who they too are struggling with getting back in shape, finding time for the gym, and so forth. 

I just wanted to encourage moms especially but ALL WOMEN, to love yourself. Love your post baby body. You birthed a HUMAN, thats pretty amazing. The weight will leave eventually, DO NOT BE HARD ON YOURSELF. Do not compare your journey to anyone else. Don't allow pinterest perfect mom bods to discourage you from being confident in your own skin.

Ignore Social Media’s pressure to “Snap Back” & do this on your own terms! 

There is so much Beauty in becoming. Stop waiting to become a perfect version of yourself and consciously enjoy who you are in the present. 

Oh yea, this little peanut is 9 months old.

WHERE DID THE TIME GO? 

• He has two teeth

• EATS tons of fruits & veggies

• His vocabulary includes; DADA, Hi, & HUH

• And he is crawling EVERYWHERE.

So I was recently asked to give an honest review on a book, The Grown Up Guide to Teenage Humans. First let me start by saying; it was really good! Second, I would encourage all of those who are parents to teenagers or even mentor teenagers to read it! I'm usually not a fan of "parenting books." I follow the learn as you go approach, but I am truly glad I read this one. There were so many nuggets of information that I plan to implement and an entire section I will refer back to as the years go on. This is only the beginning for us. 

Over, the summer Kubb turned 13. I HAVE A TEENAGER. This still amazes me!

How has it been? I'm sure you're wondering, well wonder no more it has been interesting. I mean the kid had 12.5 years to prepare for this role,( & technically so did I)  but he’s got the whole “teenager attitude” down to a science already. 

Nothing too crazy, but still- the boy is feeling himself y’all. He’s open about the girls he likes, his voice has really dropped (when I’m on the phone and he’s in the room people sometimes ask is that Noah 😅) & he’s very creative with his "side" of the story.  (I can partially blame myself for this, Kubb was always my mock professor,  juror, or judge when I had to prepare for assignments in law school. He's even sat in on a few classes so he learned the skill honestly. lol)  

But overall, I’m excited about this next chapter. I know it will get "testy" - we’ll see if the horror stories of raising teens hold up, or the infamous what you did to your parents you get it back x 10.

In advance, I rebuke those things right now in the name of Jesus! 

We celebrated his birthday by throwing him a GAMERS PARTY IN THE PARK. He loves his PS4, well really just playing 2K so we rented a Video Game Bus for him and his crew to celebrate Kubb reaching #Level13 🎮

Check out some of the pics below, and feel free to share some advice on #RaisingTeens if you've been there, done that :) 

A miscarriage is a scar that never fully fades; no matter how much time goes by, a shadow of that loss always lingers. This time of year I revisit that loss, because every October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

This year my reflection is a little different, as we now have our rainbow baby.

{For those who don’t know a rainbow baby is a baby conceived after a pregnancy or infant loss- in order for the “rainbow” to appear there has to be a storm.}

“April Showers Bring May Flowers.”

I’ll never forget that moment. A couple of days before an extremely important event in April 2016 (being the matron in my sisters wedding) I sat in the bathroom in tears, shattered because I knew all the signs- I was having a miscarriage, again!

I don’t know if I thought I was superwoman or what, but I do know that God gave me supernatural strength to push through. I don’t know if it was the little glimmer of hope I was holding on to, or just the fact that with the previous losses I’d built my faith so much I couldn’t even dare to let this miscarriage overwhelm me. Not at this time. Not now.

I still participated in the wedding, & tried to go on like everything was ok. Although, I did almost faint. (I had been taking pain meds around the clock, & before the ceremony I forgot to eat. Not the best combination when you’re actively miscarrying.) I felt so bad & embarrassed, although there was nothing I could do to control the situation.

To make matters worst, Noah wasn’t there to console me because he was on call that weekend. (He gave me a huge FaceTime air hug from almost 200 miles away.) It was sorta like I had built an emotional immunity to the toll miscarriage can have on you at that point. 

Upon returning home I went to visit my doctor to make sure the miscarriage was complete, although I knew after the wedding it was.

That moment stayed with me, I didn’t really have time to grieve, I told myself I had grieved enough. In the coming days I tried not to think about it. I guess it helped. I’m not sure.

A few days after my doctors appointment while talking to my other sister, she encouraged me to get a journal and to begin to speak life over my womb & my next pregnancy. That was truly a word from God!! 

As fate would have it, a few months prior I picked up the perfect journal (because it matched my home decor & I can’t resist a good deal in Target, but - I had no intention to actually use it.)

On the cover it read: “Anything is Possible!” How perfect?!? God knew before I did that I was suppose to purchase THAT journal. The journal had a purpose, God had a plan for it besides sitting on my table all along. I love how he used her to encourage me to utilize the journal in that way. {Praise Break, I LOVEEEE GOD!} He never cease to amaze me, he cares about the smallest of details!

In the coming weeks it became so therapeutic to just grieve and write to my future baby.

A little over a month after the miscarriage we were going to celebrate our anniversary. (May 2016) 

Initially we planned a trip to Mexico however, when we learned that we were expecting, we canceled. Mexico was highly advised against for pregnant women at the time because of the Zika Virus. So Noah and I decided to visit my birthplace, New York instead.

Unfortunately, by the time of our anniversary that Baby was no longer baking in my oven.

Despite knowing we could have been relaxing on a beach instead we had a great time in New York. Laughing around the city, staring at Times Square from our hotel room, & just enjoying one another. 

Before we left for the trip, I wrote a journal entry about how we hoped to receive the best anniversary gift; a baby, while on vacation.

A few weeks after returning home, again on Fathers Day, we learned we were expecting!!! God granted our desire :)

I wish I could say it was all JOY but I’d be lying. It took a while for me to learn how to truly be excited.

For me, losing multiple pregnancies was difficult. But what was surprisingly harder, in some ways, was being pregnant again after those losses.

This pregnancy was the most stressful, constantly worrying about movement. I checked his heartbeat on my home doppler at least 2x per day, I always felt guilty for complaining about morning sickness which I endured EVERYDAY OF MY PREGNANCY FOR 39 WEEKS. (The struggle was real y’all!) But in a way it was reassuring, if I was still sick- I was still pregnant. Or at least that’s what I told myself. 

Truth is birthing Ian after a very long, dark, & raw period of trying to conceive was a bit of healing mixed with grief.

However, that journey truly helped to cement my faith.

When he was born the connection I felt to him was indescribable. I could finally breath again! No more being anxious, no more uncertainty!

Which was true, he was here & he was perfect. But the devil was still busy- & God was still testing me.

Less than 48 hours after being home with Ian, we had to re-admit him to the hospital. That fear & anxiety tried to consume me again. But God, My Husband, & Family encouraged me through our short hospital stay.

Truthfully, I was hurt more than anything because I felt helpless. I had tried everything to prevent him from needing to be re-admitted in those 2 days we were home. Seemingly nothing worked. {Frequently, breastfed babies have high bilirubin levels because the first few days of breastfeeding they’re not getting much milk, only colostrum. As a result they tend to have fewer wet diapers so their body is storing the bilirubin causing their levels to elevate. If levels get too high and it goes untreated it can cause brain damage.}

Ian’s levels got under control, we were able to go home, and he’s been perfectly fine ever since.

Which we had faith that he would be. As I said it is a “common” diagnosis in newborns, but it was still a nerve wrecking & sleepless experience.

God had to remind me during that stay that although I finally HAD HIM,  he let me borrow Ian, he has entrusted us to raise him- but Ian belongs to God first!!

Truly submitting to Christ in the area of motherhood and trusting God to direct Ian’s his life as he saw fit was a true relief. Despite the unknowns God is in control, not I.

No amount of “worrying” can change that.

Some women have rainbow babies and try to be air traffic controllers over their every move for years before they find peace in accepting they can not control every aspect of their child’s life.

Understanding that they have to fall, they will get hurt, but it will be ok,  brings peace.

Just as Christ allows us to endure certain situations to strengthen and grow our faith as adults, he does with babes. 

I’ve truly been able to relax & just savor every second of nurturing him. I thank God for allowing Noah and I to co-parent with him.

Reflecting on my healing in this journal that I have prepared and one day will pass on to Ian has taught me that there truly is Joy in the Mourning.

Every day, you’re able to breathe a little bit deeper. Every day, you’ll love your babies — all of them — just a little bit more, until one day, that love overtakes the pain.

Last month we took Ian on his first flight at 3.5 months. I've gotten questions from a couple of my friends who are also new Momma's considering flying with their babies. So I decided to write a blog post :)

We learned quite a few thing when it comes to taking a flight with a baby, here are a few things we were glad we knew, or wish we would have known!

Almost all airlines allow children under 2 to fly free [ IF ] they sit on a lap and don't take up a seat. Some airlines also offer discounted seats for babies if you want to pay for one.

We decided to do a lap seat because there were 3 of us and we wanted to sit together, especially so I could have help with different laps for the baby to sit on haha. 

TSA checks to see if your ticket says "Lap-Infant" so even if you aren't checking bags you probably should stop by the desk if your ticket does not say this. Additionally it's probably a good idea to mention it when you're booking the flight. It's usually an option, but with airlines- you still want to double check the day of. Would hate to wait in the line for TSA only to be turned around. 

Also, some airlines require you to bring the child's birth certificate. We flew American Airlines, & they didn't ask for it but I had it just in case. 

Research online what document you need for baby in order to get the baby on the flight it's usually airline specific.  

Speaking of getting through TSA if you can do pre-check - Do IT. Less time in the line & more than likely you'll be holding the baby so time matters. If the baby is in a carrier (the one we used is linked at the bottom) the baby can stay in the carrier through security. It is a good thing to consider, because grabbing everything off the conveyor belt is tricky when you're holding a child.

& if you have formula. Take it out your bag ahead of time because TSA has to check it.  

Just as you prepare for temperature variations on planes, we did the same for Ian. Sometimes it's freezing sometimes it's warm. We dressed him in layers & made sure to carry a blanket.   

Oh, by the way. Your diaper bag doesn't count as a carry-on or additional item, so it's a great way to stash some extra stuff if you need to.  

A product I highly recommend are noise canceling headphones. (You can find the ones we used linked at the bottom.) You never really how loud or how many times flight attendants come on the speakers. Ian slept through most of the flight with those things on. 

We also sat close to the bathroom because, yea they'll probably have stinky diapers on a long flight. We were going from the east to west coast so he had at least 2 stinky diapers one flight. Which leads me to my next recommended product. DIRTY Diaper bags.  Disposable changing pads come in handy too. 

If you can - boarding the plane earlier is better. Thankfully for us Noah is Military so we get to board with the first group. Yes you sit on the plane longer, but it gives you time to get to your seat without everyone rushing you to get to their seat and get overhead space for their carry-on. I also used that time to do a diaper change before everyone got on board. 

Another major tip: Sucking at takeoff and landing helps ears pop, and baby needs their ears to pop just like you. We got him to nurse on takeoff for the first flight, but on the second one he was sleep so I just gave him the pacifier & he did just fine.  

All airlines we searched will gate-check a stroller and car seat for free!! If you're flying American Airlines however, they have a little nuisanced rule that strollers over 20lbs have to be checked with other bags at the counter. Ours was over 20lbs so we used the bags linked bellow, they get worn after a the trip but they did a great job of protecting our stroller and car seat. Only a few little scratches on the Stroller ;(  (Its also easier to identify your stroller and carseat when collecting your luggage.

Lastly, if you can find a straight flight, get it. The baby was fine but our crew was delayed 1.5 hours so trying to make it to our connecting flight with a baby in tow was a struggle. We missed it by 3 mins but thankfully were able to get the next flight to LAX within the next hour. 

We learned A LOT about traveling with a baby on our latest trip, and although we are not experts in this field, sometimes it's nice to hear from someone who did this for the first time, because our mind is fresh to compare what things are like with and without kids. So I hope this helped.

Ps.  

If you can help it...keep baby on the same sleep schedule as home and don't try to acclimate for time changes. Ian was super fussy the first day in California & the first day back home because of the time change.

Have Fun. 

Earlier this month the CGS crew visited Disneyland in California (The Original ;)) & we had an amazing time!! Flying with baby wasn't half as bad as I thought it'd be (next post is on Flying with a baby for those who asked) & he was sooooo good in the parks and other places we visited.  

It dubbed as a visit to see one of our best friends (the one who played match maker with Noah & I) Graduate with her Masters also! 

California was fun.  

I just wanted to share some pictures from our vacation, not much to say: we thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it & look forward to going back.   

I mean it is the happiest place on Earth, what's not to love?!  

If you're going to an amusement park or somewhere similar with an infant/toddler here are a few items I felt were a life saver. 

It was on Fathers Day two years ago that we learned of our first pregnancy. I was so excited to tell Noah on Father's Day that he was going to be a Poppa for the first time!! Although that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, God loves to bring things full circle and last year on Father's Day we found out we were expecting Ian!  

So this year for Fathers Day I figured it would be a great time to share his birth story & honor my husband for the amazing role he played in it!  

--CAUTION--

 POST IS KIND OF LENGHY- IF YOU'RE JUST HERE FOR THE PICS-SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM 

--PROCEED--  

As I've mentioned before, I commuted over an hour both ways to law school everyday (well 3x a week last semester 3L year) so when I got pregnant, one of the first things that crossed my mind was when and where will I deliver this baby?!

I was terrified that I'd go into labor at school, my husband not being able to get there in time, or even worst - going into labor in the car & having to give birth alone on the side of the road. Thank God none of those things happened- but they did cross my mind -- almost daily. 

As I approached 35 weeks I started to think of a game plan. I had classmates who were on board to drive me "home" if possible, but more importantly get me to the nearest hospital if need be.  

When I went to my 35 week appointment I asked my doctor about induction. I was just too nervous about having the baby in some random place because everyone kept telling me the second time around "they slide right out" despite the time in between births.  So even though I wanted to go into labor naturally, I wasn't willing to risk it. {because, in law school- you don't get maternity leave. A post about having a baby in law school coming soon.} 

So after speaking with my doctor, she  recommended the earliest to do an induction to be 39 weeks. I was absolutely annoyed if I'm being honest. I had a very difficult pregnancy. Not difficult in the sense of complications. We had a Healthy baby, which I was extremely grateful for. No high blood pressure issues or anything. But I was sick. All. Day. Every. Day. Morning/all day sickness.

Zofran became my best friend. But even on that I'd still have dates with the toilet, daily for all 39 weeks. So when she said I had to wait 4 more weeks I was a tad bummed!! I was so over being pregnant & sick at that point. 

Despite how I felt, the health of the baby was all that really mattered so I sucked it up. We looked at her schedule, my schedule, & my husbands to coordinate & decide what the best day for induction would be. I turned 39 weeks on a Monday, so I asked her to do it THAT DAY and we'd figure the rest out :) I also didn't have class on Mondays so it was perfect!  

We didn't even realize until later that the Monday I turned 39 weeks was the day before Valentine's Day. I just wanted the baby out. I was ready to meet my prince, & finally get rid of the "morning" sickness.  

Noah was on hospital medicine that month- one of the tougher rotations in residency, because the schedule is so demanding. [6 days a week 6am-7/8pm] no fun! Unfortunately for us also, during this rotation no one is allowed to request days off. Yup. Even if you're having a baby.

So we scheduled the induction for 6pm. I figured Noah could at least ask to get off early & we'd be at the hospital that evening. Well.. he was approved to get off early, but it still ended up being late - 5:30 pm lol. A friend of ours who is also a resident with Noah, agreed to allow Kubb to stay the night over with her & her husband so she could take him to school the next morning while we were at the hospital. Which was such a big help because none of our family is close by & no one would be coming until after the baby came home from the hospital.

----- Up until 39 weeks I tried everything in the world to induce labor hahaha all those "old wives tales" I tried. YUP, all of them & guess what?? NOTHING worked. NOT ONE THING- (I even ate pineapple which I am allergic to. That is how desperate I was! lmaooooo  ----- 

Anyway 6:30pm on Feb. 13th we were finally on our way to the hospital- only 2 mins from our house. I contemplated walking there to get my last few miles in to get the baby out, but we drove because who was going to carry my hospital bag, the baby bag, and Noah's bag while I wobbled up the block lol.

Once we got there all the nurses who Noah had worked with for the past 2 years were happy to see me. They were all extremely nice and super accommodating. Noah still had notes for work to finish up so while they were getting me hooked up and the cervidil (induction medication) inserted, he was on his laptop doing work. 

From 8pm to 12am there wasn't much excitement. Light contractions here and there.. but I was managing. Getting up to use the bathroom every 30 mins it seemed. Around 1am things took a turn! Contractions became more intense and closer, & I requested some paid medication which was given through my IV (stadol) I never desire to take again in life. It made me feel sooo loopy, I couldn't even formulate words so I just tried to go to sleep. Without much success might I add because sleep & labor don't mix well. 

Around 1am I asked for more pain meds. IDK what they gave me, (probably (Stadol) - but hey it worked. I was able to fall asleep for a little. But around 3am I woke up in the worst pain -- { shout out to all the women who do it natural, y'all are the real MVP// I knew I wasn't about that life. I wanted the drugs with Kubb and this Birth was no different lol I have a low tolerance for pain so I would never even attempt, call me a wimp - oh well.} 

Anyway, around 3am they checked me I was only about 5cm ughhhh progress but not enough I was ready to get him out, my Doctor wouldn't let me get an epidural until I was at least 6cm so I had to suffer through a few more hours of pain. This time I refused to get Stadol again because of how it made me feel. 

Finally around 6am my Doctor came in and checked me, decided to start pitocin and take the cervidil out. When she did that things really picked up. 

The pitocin had my contractions coming very frequently and intense, so I was begging for an epidural lol. 

My friend/classmate, who was also pregnant volunteered to come along and help because she - [ 1. Wanted to know what she was going to be facing in 10 weeks. 2. We didn't have any family around as stated before for support in the room. 3. She was going to help with getting Kubb from school and to the hospital once the baby arrived. ] She arrived right before my doctor  broke my water around 7:30 am and then I got the epidural. Whew. I felt much better, I could actually talk again. I was finally able to relax a little. & Rest! 

That relaxation didn't last long, about 2 hours later my Doctor came in to check me again and I was 9cm so she said ITS TIME TO GET READY! 

Although I was relieved it was showtime, I was starting to get nervous. The same thing happened with Kubb. When it was time to actually push the baby out for some reason I was like ummm-  wait no is there any other way. I'm not ready. Pineapples. hahaha 

Nevertheless, thats the most beautiful part of the whole story... Pushing the baby out. Right?! 

So Noah or should I say: Dr. Wallace at this point and my OB had agreed that he would actually do the delivery, she was there for oversight in case anything went left and she needed to take over since he was too emotionally attached. So he began to robe up. He went from Husband mode, to Doctor mode real quick...(& it was pretty sexy ;)) I was thankful that my friend had come along because even though my hubby is superman, there was no way he could hold my hand, my legs, encourage me, and get the baby out at the same time. Having her there was a blessing.

SHOWTIME  

It was time to push and I was readyyyyyy- well at least I thought I was. With Kubb I pushed for all of 10 mins and he was born. So with Ian I was expecting 2 pushes max and "He's out." lol it didn't quite work out like that. More like 6 GOOD Pushes. 

I began to push and Noah was actually a great motivator and encourager, he was telling me how much of a good job I was doing, and that the baby was coming --- after about 2 good pushes however, I may or may not have yelled at everyone to stop telling me that was a good push- because I'm working my butt off, so WHERE IS THE BABY?! 

I figured if they kept saying that was a good push the baby should be here lol so the nurse went and got a mirror so I could see what they all saw, him making his way downtown :) 

Thats when I wanted to quit though, it was 10 mins in, the baby wasn't here I was pushing the hardest and I felt defeated. {I don't know how women push for hours, OMG kudos to those SUPERWOMEN!!!} 

Noah asked if I was ready to push again, and I said "No I cant do it" everyone in the room told me I could- and he was just a few pushes away from being here. So I began to push again after about 3 mins of contemplating others ways to get the baby out, without having to be cut. lol 

So I pushed. and PUSHED. AND PUSHED. & then bam -- he WAS HERE!!! 

Poppa caught him and introduced him to me, although he was screaming at us because we ruined his peaceful womb vibes he was as sweet as can be! Then the Nurse said : "It's A Valentine's Day Baby" & I thought how perfect! This has certainly been a labor of Love. Welcome to the World- LOVE CHILD. 

Looking back it really wasn't bad. I pushed for all of 20 minutes maybe, my husband did amazing at coaching me and getting him into this world without any complications - but more importantly he was perfect & healthy! He was everything I prayed for & more. 

All the morning sickness suddenly became absolutely worth it- he was the best reward. 

It was the most amazing experience ever watching my husband deliver his first child, our son! I was finally able to see his passion and love for delivering babies shine!

My friend told me how beautiful it was to watch, & how we fed off of each other working well as a team through the entire delivery.  

Although he's been a bonus dad to Kubb, it has been a joy to watch him with his mini - {no really, he's his little twin. I did all that work, was sick for 39 weeks and Ian looks just like his Poppa. I feel slighted.} 

Noah gave "I brought you in this world and I can take you out" a whole new meaning that day.  ;)

I enjoyed seeing my husband in Doctor Mode, maybe we'll do this again someday ;)  

Noah Ian 7lbs of perfection

Happy Fathers Day ❣️

We've all heard the old adage "you learn something new everyday"  Well today's lesson: I'm a "Split Mom" - one who has children at least a decade apart.  This can be due to a number of reasons but most popular are having a child early on, (me) or through divorce and remarriage.

Most "Spilt Moms" describe this unique experience as almost having two different families in one, and I think I can agree with that.

Although its still relatively new for me, (being a mom of two- that whole kids with an (s) gets me every time hehe)

Someone asked me the other day how I felt about their age gap so I decided to write this post. 

It's hard to believe that over 13 years ago, I took my first pregnancy test that resulted in two blue lines. Those two blue lines indicated two things: 1) I was pregnant with my son, and 2) my entire life was about to change in ways I couldn't even begin to comprehend. I was only 14 years old & hardly prepared to be someone's mother. What followed in the years to come was a rollercoaster of epic proportions during which time I graduated from high school, went to college, graduated from college & got my first job, while simultaneously learning how to be a mommy, and to a certain extent, a grown-up.

Fast forward to now. Kubb is almost thirteen (yea I still cant believe that either.) I've gotten married to the cool guy who We (Kubb & I) met in 2008 when Kubb was only 3.5 years old. That was insistent on remaining present in Kubb's life somehow to see him grow up - (you'd have to have read OUR STORY HERE to further understand that). Who now is doing a fantastic job loving him and being an amazing bonus dad.

Noah & I knew when we got married that we wanted to have children. Kubb was 9.5 at the time so we also knew that our kids would share some distance in age. We didn't have a baby right away due to some fertility issues (discussed in a previous post).. but when we finally got those two blue lines again we knew we'd be looking at an almost 13 year age gap! 

I will admit, this was both breathtakingly beautiful & terrifying at the same time!  

One day during my pregnancy I had an epiphany. It was actually happening. I was going to have children over a decade a part. I'd essentially be raising "kids" for what seems like - forevaaaaaa. I have probably played out in my head how Kubb will be starting College & Ian will be starting kindergarten over, & over, & over again during my pregnancy. Or how Kubb will be possibly getting married & Ian will likely just be heading to his Senior prom.

I think once these things actually happen I won't fret as much. But for now, it's still a little shocking to think about. If that's not classified as two families in one- I'm not sure what is! 

Aside from that, there hasn't been much of a difference. I meannn ok, one [MAJOR] difference - the smell of their rooms. One smells like baby powder & lavender.... & the other one smells like teenager! (If you've ever raised, grew up with, or been around a teenage boy- you know the smell I am talking about. . . Oh & if you haven't, just think "gym socks and outside" hahah Also know that there is seemingly nothing you can do to get rid of it.

Seriously, there are not enough air freshener or plug-ins in the world to save your nose.

Other than that, it has been great! This time around I am much more experienced & more stable. Even though a lot has changed. I'm getting into the swing of things. I might forget the diaper bag occasionally because it's been years since I've carried one, but so far I haven't gotten out the door and forgotten the baby... (if you're a parent, you know this actually happens a time or two lol)

Truthfully, I have spent a ton of time re-learning how to work some of the most basic things. These new "baby essentials" need to come with links to YouTube tutorials!! There are car seats that do everything but strap the baby in for you- strollers with charger ports - bath tubs with water temperature readings (genius by the way- one of my favorite baby shower gifts) - & swings that plug into your phone to play music. But I'm figuring it out (I'm not the first parent who's had to get the fire station to install their car seat because they just couldn't figure it out) [Thats what they're there for right? To help clueless parents. lol]

& I admit It's only awkward when you're struggling to juggle it all in public (stroller/carseat, diaper bag, shopping carts, purse, keys, phone)  & a stranger randomly smiles at you  & says "awww you're a first time mom." Ummmm no. But thanks for the sympathy lol.

While life has changed with us being a family of 4, a lot has remained the same. We're still trying to figure Ian out & he's learning us too.  

If I can use one word to describe my experience thus far, I'd  have to say it's been - AMAZING! 

Because my sons are so different in age, they have vastly different needs. I find I’m able to meet my kids’ needs independently, because they aren’t competing for the same attention in the way that two boys close in age would be. [Okay. Okay! Sometimes they do compete for attention. If I say "hey Mommy's baby" to Ian Kubb will say "but I thought I was Mommy's baby" or if I say I love you to the baby "Kubb will respond with "where's my I love you?!"]

It's cute, at times. Other times I have to remind Kubb that he has been the baby for over 12 years- let Ian live & have his moment. Besides both of them will always be my babies for Life! 

Truthfully speaking though, Kubb is doing a great job at his role of big brother (something we were admittedly nervous about because he was having only child syndrome the closer it got to delivery but he's adjusted wayyyy better than expected.) 

One major perk of this age difference is that Kubb is really able to help out and be an extra set of hands. Which is so important. With Kubb I had all hands on deck, his dad, my moms, dad, sisters, cousin, everybody. This time around, we're 2.5 hours away from the closest family member so Kubb's set of hands are much needed. Him stepping up and volunteering to hold the baby, share his Saturday morning cartoon time with him, & run up and down the stairs whenever I need him to grab something for me has truly been a blessing.  

// We may or may not be counting down to when Kubb is able to drive so that he can be on errand duty to further assist with our chaotic lifestyle.  // 

 All in all, it's been a joy to be their mom! 

The reality is: 

• There is no ideal way to time the birth of your kids.
• There will be pros and cons to any age span.
• Chronological age often has little to do with what your children will need. Sometimes they want to be babied and other times they crave independence — you just have to take their cues & adjust accordingly. 

You just have to enjoy raising your children & YOUR Parenting Journey! 

I know for me it truly been amazing watching them learn to LOVE each other & I'm excited to continue watching them grow! 

SIBLING WARS 

 {YOU STICK YOUR TONGUE AT ME-----------------------I PUKE ON YOU}

My Heart is FULL.

#BOYMOM  

Everyone loves to say Noah & I are #RelationshipGoals & while it's cute, sometimes I cringe because I'm always thinking "you have no idea!!" People see the external success of a Doctor & Lawyer- to be- duo & they are mesmerized with the titles having no clue what it takes to make this unit function. 

So since our anniversary is tomorrow I thought it would be ideal to share some insight for those who have similar #RelationshipGoals as us.  

• SACRIFICE - You have to be willing to sacrifice! I put this one first because I can't stress it enough.

There is a lot of behind the scenes that comes along with the title of "Doctors Wife."  A bunch of people assume because your husbands a "Doctor" everything is perfect, you're rich, & you have no problems in the world- & if you do -money can fix it! Ummmm All of those things are FALSE. Don't get me wrong, I love our life and I am not complaining at all, but it is not liken to the image people have made up in their minds for it to be!

I've gotten comments before like "You're lucky your husbands a Dr. y'all are gonna be rich" or my favorite "Why are you even in Law School? You can just be a stay at home wife who shops all day". LOL I can't laugh at these misconceptions hard enough. Breaking News: Being a "Doctors Wife" is not that glamorous.

Granted there are a ton of Doctors in certain specialties that are what the world would consider rich because of the money they make, but that is not the case for most Physicians. It is true however that we personally are rich, but it is only because we have things money cannot buy- each other :)  

A lot of people want the "perks" without doing the work.

I am here to tell you, being a Doctors Wife usually means at times you come second. Ok, first after God but seriously, your husbands patients come first! So why yes I'm lucky I get to live a totally unpredictable life most of the time. It makes for some excitement occasionally but it can also be a total buzz kill.

That date you planned & got all dressed up for can easily be put on hold when he's on call. Those typical holidays or times that are spent "with family" can sometimes be spent ALONE, yup that includes your birthday, your kids "important" events & even anniversaries. Set your expectations low- actually you might be better off having none. lol 

I joke all the time about being a "single wife." I learned the game quickly and how to master getting things done without my husband being present. Now I will say we get a lot of family time compared to some, but that was because of his sacrifice: he intentionally chose a specialty that would allow him to have a balanced family life- which means more than the monetary gain of other high-income specialties. 

Also, being married to a  law student is rough. Most of their days and nights are spent studying.  ALL. THE. TIME! If you can't sacrifice your needs for the betterment of your partners academic obligations, sorry, but It ain't for you.

I was sooooooo fortunate that Noah had gone through 2 years of medical school before I decided to go to law school. He understood my life and struggles in a way a normal Spouse or just people in general might wrestle to comprehend.

My friends would call me all the time & here's how the conversation would go

Them: What are you doing?

Me: Studying.

It got to the point that they didn't even ask when they called because they always knew the response but it was 100% accurate. Whenever I was not in class, I was usually studying. I did give myself one day a week (typically Sunday) to do nothing related to law school, but aside from that even on my longgggg commute or in the gym I listened to my outlines that were pre-recorded on my phone. I was constantly learning.

The times where I was not studying were few and far between. It takes true sacrifice to know that there isn't much "free time" to spend with your partner- so just sitting in the same room with them while reading or making up raps to help prepare for final exams, can sometimes  be "date night." {This is a picture of Noah acting as though he was in a section popping bottles, while we rapped rule statements for me to remember for an exam 1L year} 

While I enjoyed those moments and wouldn't trade them for anything, if you're not willing to understand that you can't do/date/be on the scene like everyone else (the training years are straight up Grind Time) you'll have a hard time making it work with any person in a high demanding career.  

Oh & speaking of misconceptions & sacrifice, most physician spouses who are SAHMoms/Wives that you think are with their husband for his money and stay home because they got it like that! (where?) lol  - are usually well educated women who had to put their lives on hold for their spouse.

#BecauseMarriedToMedicine

I've come to learn that for many physician spouses the decision to stay at home was typically because their partners training made it difficult with so many moves.  Most couples move at least 3x on the medical journey, if they're together from the start. (Med School, Residency, Real Job.) Usually all are different places. It's HARD to just pick up and find a new job in your career field at a beneficial pay grade every time your spouse relocates {& this isn't even adding the extra layer of being a Military Physician} I am not saying this only because it is my current reality. IT IS 100 PERCENT TRUE.

I belong to a private group on Facebook comprised of ONLY Physician spouses, and many of them are not at home because they chose to be. Sometimes on this journey - medicine will make that decision for you. THAT IS A TRUE SACRIFICE. 

Putting your career and needs on hold to ensure that your spouse fulfills their dream isn't always the fairy tale that people think. 

You can't be #RelationshipGoals if you are not willing to sacrifice things for one another. Be it a job, being close to family, starting your own family, & even simple luxuries (like a cup of coffee from Starbucks) when you're on a tight student/residents budget! 

In relationships period you have to die to self daily, but in a Marriage - it's so much more pertinent. 

• SELFLESS- You have to be Selfless! I know it sounds cliche but for real, there is no I in Team!

Acts of sacrifice, sprinkled freely throughout a marriage, make love richer and deeper. We all know that, so what's the problem with doing it?! Self. Self always gets in the way. 

Self constantly asks for more: What about my needs? What about my hurts? What about my time? Sacrificial love challenges us to give to our partner in uncomfortable or unreasonable ways — ways that cost us emotion, time and pride. If you can't put SELF aside, your relationship will surely die. 

Selflessness is not a marriage strategy but a heart transformation in Christ. Jesus defines selflessness from the Incarnation to Calvary, so to be selfless is to identify with Him. You can't teach your spouse to be selfless, if they ain't got it- you can only pray & let God do the rest.

You should desire (it shouldn't be a burden- but rather intentional) to value your partner so much that their best really is your goal too! 

Which leads me to my next point: 

A power Couple is A PRAYING COUPLE. If not for our relationship with Christ- this marriage would not work. It is so easy to fall short in your relationship when God is not the center of it. There were times when I couldn't even pray for myself, but Noah would literally get on his knees and pray for me!

There were also times where I wanted to argue [I meannnn that is what lawyers do right? Lol -I like to call them healthy debates though] and the Lord would tell me not now...and then Noah would come home and talk about losing a patient that day.

In those moments my pettiness would go out the window because what I wanted to argue about wasn't even that important. (No joke it's usually things like- him stealing my hangers or leaving closet doors open lol-OCD just a tad) But if the Lord wasn't helping me to discern- instead of being teammates comforting one another when the world seems to be getting the best of us, we'd be the source of unnecessary stress.

Don't get it twisted, we're not perfect! We "debate" but it is never that deep. 5 minutes after we go right back to being best friends (another thing that's super important, you have to be FRIENDS) and playing on the same team. (Ok sometimes a grudge may be held for an additional 10-15 minutes lol). Nevertheless, that is how it is suppose to be. We took a vow in the sight of God, for better or for worst- so we fight TOGETHER never against each other. 

Our success and love for one another is heavily influenced by our love for God. If you don't have that, in my opinion you don't have anything. 

However, when you combine sacrifice, selflessness, & Christ you have a nice blueprint to success. 

• SUCCESS: that is so much better when you're Together - Team Work is what makes a family successful together.

Children included (of course not the babies - although their nap schedule is vital to getting things done- but the older children should contribute to the success of the family as well.)

I cannot stress enough how important Kubb's role was to my success. Whether it was the occasional mom I love you for motivation or helping around the house. But most importantly he did his job! SCHOOL. I tell him all the time how important it is for him to do well in school, to study without being told, & not to get in trouble. Mainly because I have very high expectations of him. I know he's beyond capable of doing all the things I ask of him, but also it is because I didn't have too much "free time" to be up at the school ironing things out for him. The fact that he's always stepped up is such a blessing! He's always gone above and beyond at his "job" and at home. I'm proud to be his momma! 

When you're playing for the same team you do your best to hold your team down! Usually that just means just doing your part.

Not worrying about 50/50 but stepping up & filling in the gap whenever & wherever it's needed. Marriage isn't 50/50 marriage is 100/100.  If you want to argue because it was his/her time to do something and they forgot or didn't because of a long day at work/school... again, it isn't going to work for you. You gotta be willing to roll up your sleeves do the job yourself, and NOT keep score. 

True love brings out the greatest version of you. It takes a real man/woman to help your partner achieve their goals, support each other when you have nothing, push each other when you feel like giving up, shower each other with positive energy, compliment each other on a regular basis, & never kick the other while they're down. Instead- rising together in LOVE because you're ALWAYS helping each other Up!! 

If you're not willing to Sacrifice & be Selfless, your #RelationshipGoals will forever remain just that. A goal that is never achieved.  

Next time you feel the urge to hashtag #RelationshipGoals  on someones picture, take a moment to ponder what may happen behind the scenes. The highlight reel isn't always as it seems. 

Faith.Love.Commitment.

Selfless.Sacrifice.Hard Work.

Grind &Shine,Together. 

Since graduation & even the months prior, I've gotten a ton of questions as to "what my plans were after law school?" So here it is: Nothing.  😅

haha ok, not exactly nothing but as many of my classmates begin their bar studies this week. That chapter is kind of on hold for me! 

Thanks to the US Air Force, we have no idea where we will be relocating to once Dr. DO completes his residency in 2018. So I am in no rush to take the bar in one state- wait on results- and then "find a job if I'm lucky" to only work for 3 months until we relocate.  

Instead, we made the decision that I would stay at home (fortunate to be able to do this) until we relocate and are settled. This way we know we'll be in one area for at least 3 years. Before moving again.  

Although I plan to be a mom-preneur & household engineer 😎  For the next few months, I have decided & signed up already to take the Bar Exam in February 2018! 

With us not knowing where we are headed I'm going to take the D.C. Bar which is a UBE state. This potentially puts me in the clear to practice in 26 states {when I pass} instead of just 1. 

There is also what is called "Military Spouse Reciprocity" thanks to the beautiful efforts of other Military JD Spouses. Under the Obama Administration, a bill was passed to allow attorney spouses of our lovely service men & women to have privileges to practice in certain states without having to sit for additional bar exams. Because let's face it, bar fees are expensive & military life is unpredictable. #ThanksObama.  

So that covers me for 24 states! 😬

(Some of which are also UBE) 

On the off chance we end up in a place that is not UBE or Military JD - I will have to sit for another bar. 😅 But we'll worry about that when the time comes!  

For now, I plan to fully enjoy mom life! My "Maternity Leave" has been extended since it was very short lived while in law school. 😂 So for everyone who felt bad for me having to return to school so soon after having a baby, I survived because I knew it was only temporary!

Cheers to being a Full-Time SAH (Stay at Home) Rock Star Mommy for the next year or so! 😁 

❣️ The Family ❣️

This still feels like a dream. I can't believe it was over 3 years ago I began this "Journey to JD" Blog & now I have finally obtained my degree.  

I will not say that the road was easy, but it was certainly worth it. I not only did this with a tweenager & a husband but I was also brave enough to have a baby along the way 😅 

I commuted over 1000 hours in 3 years to and from class. (1L Year we lived 45 mins each way from my law school) & 2&3L Year we lived an 1hour & 15mins each way, thanks to my husbands residency!) I sacrificed sleep, food, & fun because I was determined to make my dream a reality and here I AM. 

My car became my sanctuary. I spent many mornings praising God on my way to school, & a bunch of evenings crying & venting to him because I was just tired and overwhelmed (especially during finals) lol but I survived!  

He brought me through. He who began a good work in me, was faithful to complete it.

Most women complain about being a "residents wife" & the lack of help they get at home but I can honestly say, I would not have survived law school without my husbands help. 

From making the bed every morning because I never had time to, washing and folding the laundry on his 1 day off because my weekends were spent studying, taking my heavy books to the car for me so I didnt have to carry them, being my mock professor for presentations and papers, being my free99 editing pro with no complaints, but more importantly being my biggest critic when I was procrastinating and falling off.  I can not complain about not having help from my resident husband because I receive a ton. I'm grateful to have such a hands on spouse who's been through a rigorous graduate program so he GETS IT. I would not have been able to hold it all together without him. 

Many of my classmates marveled at my ability to "balance" it all. Family, commute, school, personal life.. & when they asked how I did it, my response was always because I had no choice. There were sooooo many moments where I felt like this was impossible, but I just kept going and before I knew it, I found myself doing the impossible!! 

From Teen Mom to JD -- God has been so good to me!  

Honorary Grad. He did one year 😂

The Family

CGS

I am writing this from a place of gratitude and admiration....  

I can honestly say: I AM PROUD OF MYSELF & so thankful that I did not give up! 

This weekend I will be graduating from Law School.. something I dreamt of since I was a little girl!

~Funny Story~

My mom use to watch America's Most Wanted ALL THEE TIME when I was growing up. Although I was scared to go into dark room by myself 😅😰 because I just knew the boogie man was in my house after every episode, I remember thinking: "when I grow up I'm going to be a lawyer who sends bad guys to jail!" That coupled with Law & Order, A Time to Kill & The Good Wife had me committed to this dream of one day becoming an attorney.

(Newsflash- It's not like it seems on TV.. but that's a different post haha) 

& well here I am today, one step closer to accomplishing that dream 😩😁🎉

I didn't really do anything that the next person couldn't do, you just have to Set Goals & Accomplish them! 

Here are 5 things to encourage you to  Just do it: 

• 1. Start by Starting - There's something about starting that seems shameful. We tend to look at other people who have been further on the journey we're headed towards and get discouraged. DONT. Be inspired by the people who have gone before you. Stop allowing comparison to hold you back. It really is the thief of Joy. Be proud of where you start & celebrate the small accomplishments along the way. It's going to make the success feel so much better in the end.

• 2. Write IT Down - I truly believe in Writing the Vision & Making it Plain. Confession: I am a planner. I love to plan things. I love cute stationary, & I have about 4 active "calendar/todo list" I reference a few times a day. It keeps me organized & on track but more importantly, it keeps me focused! There's something about SEEING it written down that makes it tangible. & checking things off your "list" makes you feel like you're getting things done- Making progress towards the finish line, & it helps to keep you going. If you don't already, I'd encourage you to write down what you see yourself accomplishing in the next year, & work every day, week and month - at fulfilling that goal. You'd be amazed at how much can change in a year ;)

• 3. You DO NOT NEED their approval - In this digital age where everyone seems to be looking for validation & approval through social media, remember that you weren't put on this earth to please people. You don't need any ones approval for what you feel led to do.... oh & guess what, you will never be successful trying to be a people pleaser- it's impossible!!

 Also, do not allow someone who gave up on their dreams talk you out of yours. Not everyone will understand, not everyone will think you can do it. That is ok, God did not give them your vision for a reason, he gave it to YOU to see what you'd do with it despite the adversity & what "they" have to say. Once you realize that he has equipped you with all you need and that the approval of man will always amount to nothing, you'll begin to thrive. & do so abundantly! (In other words, ignore the haters lol)

• 4. Don't get in your OWN way - Confession: before committing to going to law school I was holding myself back. I made every excuse in the book during my senior year of college as to why I wasn't going right away....("I just wrote a thesis, my brain needs a break... I'm going to just work a year... I have a kid, I need a job... Law school will always be there.... I will go ..... eventually.") Eventually turned into three years and everything I "tried" doing during that 3 year period wasn't really fulfilling, and it never seemed to "work out." As soon as I stepped out on Faith and decided to take the LSAT to jumpstart the process of me going to law school, EVERYTHING FELL INTO PLACE! *If you've been a reader of my blog since the beginning, you know what I mean :)

If you continue to talk YOURSELF out of it, IT will never get done. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy. Once you start believing you can do something, you realize that you actually CAN. Don't waste time holding yourself back making excuses or thinking that you can't. Even if no one else believes in You, YOU have to believe in YOURSELF! 

• 5.  FAITH it until you make it- even in the stages where you don't see your thing working out, and you hit road blocks and hardships.....you HAVE to keep going. When you are called to do something IT will not be easy! No really. It will not be easy! You have to trust YOUR process & wait on God by Faith, what he began in you he will be faithful to complete. The race is not to the swift and fast, but to those who continue to endure. Finish the RACE & you will reap the REWARD.

You are Powerful, Brilliant, Beautiful & Brave.

Go Make {IT} Happen

*Smiling for a whole 'nother reason, all smiles through all Four Seasons*  

If you are friends with me on Facebook, & Instagram then you already knew this.. but on the off chance you didn't & read the "Who We Are" like who is Ian?! ... lol - WE HAD A BABY!  👶🏽

I know you're probably thinking "people have babies everyday B" 🤣 But still.. for us, this is a miracle as you know if you follow my blog.

After suffering 3 miscarriages we finally got to meet our Rainbow Baby- Noah Ian on Feb 14, 2017 (his birth story will come at a later date) so we're beyond Excited. & Thankful. & Grateful. & Hype. & Blessed.

      God did that!! 

So before going any further allow us to introduce the newest edition:

  #BabyBae  

           📟 Paging Dr. Cutie  

For this child we have prayed & the Lord granted our petition. 1 Samuel 1:27 💙

The announcement we didn't get to make… 

I'm not writing this post to get sympathy, but rather to raise awareness... Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Day. It’s not discussed much, but it's time for us to #BreaktheSilence, here is my story. 

First, let me start by saying this, since the moment we got married, as a matter of fact, when people learned of our wedding date, the questions began rolling in.. "Are you pregnant? When are y'all going to have kids? Ok it's time for another baby? What are y'all waiting for?" .. The list goes on & on..I just want to say this, on THAT [because I could write an entire post on it alone] - STOP asking about other people's reproductive life! You don't know the circumstances of their life or their journey, & if you are close enough to them... You don't have to ask because you already know. -----Thanks. 

                               Now back to the reason reason for this post. 

I've heard stories of women having miscarriages before. I heard the statistic of 1 in 4 ... but It never dawned on me that I would one day be that ONE in Four.

I mean I got pregnant at 14 without trying so surely I could get pregnant & have babies when I "wanted."

I never rationalized that for every pregnancy and birth announcement I saw via social media that there was one that failed, until now. It's ever real & apparent, & I want to open your eyes too. 

The thing about miscarriage is that so many women suffer in silence, they feel alone, and isolated from the world out of FEAR. Fear of judgement, fear of humiliation, & fear of feeling like a failure. 

I'm choosing to use this as an opportunity to start a conversation about something that's almost taboo. So that the ONE in four women like me, can feel "normal" & hopeful if or when they experience this. 

Fear is paralyzingly, someone once said its {False Evidence Appearing Real} & you can either continue in Fear or turn that fear into Faith & allow God to do a great work in you. When you focus on fear you'll always be a prisoner. But when you focus on Faith, nothing will keep you from what God has for you. The latter is what we've chosen & I pray this post inspires someone else to do the same! 

Whether you believe life begins at conception or once the embryo becomes a fetus, I'm not here for that debate. Every woman who has the opportunity to experience new life forming inside of her womb is a walking testament to a true Miracle. Period.

So Here's our Story: 

When we began "trying" we were ignorant to miscarriage... Not completely.. I mean my husband is a Doctor, he's seen it, diagnosed it, & had to explain this reality to women many times.  We were just ignorant in thinking it couldn't or rather wouldn't happen to us. We like many others thought "trying to get pregnant" was the "Fun" part... Boy we were sadly mistaken. [That’s a whole other story] 

I mean we got pregnant our second month trying. But the month we didn't get pregnant was a roller coaster. I was a mess!! Symptom spotting and learning all these new words like: TTC, BBT, EWCM & the dreaded AF .. When AF came that month I was so sad, all my hopes came crashing down & all those symptoms were nothing! Well, Just normal PMS. 

But the second month it happened, it was the real deal, I was pregnant & so thrilled. I tried not to symptom spot or test early & it really helped ease my nerves and emotional stability that month. I was going to be a mommy again, 11 years later how awesome right?! 

Once I got confirmation from my doctor, I ran to the store to put together a "Surprise Announcement" for my Husband to share the news with him. It was a few days after Father's Day & this was going to be his first child so I thought it was just perfect "timing." I had already purchased a few cute onesies because I mean.. We were trying & people get pregnant right away... 

He initially thought it was a late gift from his step son, so his reaction was priceless when he opened the box. A moment we will never forget. 

Just a few days after I told my Husband ... It happened, we were traveling to Charlotte to visit our Friends for the weekend. I had some light cramping that morning but I thought nothing of it. By the time we got settled into Charlotte  which is only a 2 hour drive from where we live, I began to spot & my heart just broke.. I knew, I knew in my spirit right then what was happening when I went to use the bathroom. I just didn't want to accept it. Something in my spirit told me, when the cramping started, but I chose to ignore that voice.. Thinking the enemy was just trying to scare me, & I couldn't let him win! But instead God was trying to use me, I just didn't understand how. 

We ran to the store to purchase pregnancy test because I wanted to ease my mind.. I needed to see the + on the test.. & I did. But again my Husband & I knew at that moment, it really meant nothing.. What was happening couldn't be stopped and a Pregnancy Test would still be + because my HCG would take time to drop low enough for the HPT to read negative. 

For the rest of that day I just laid in our hotel room and cried my self to sleep in my Husbands arms. 

We never got to see our friends... & once we returned home I went to the ED the following morning where they confirmed that my levels had gone down and there was no longer a viable pregnancy. 

My sweet Husband was working in the hospital that day so he brung me lunch as I just waited to be released. Because again with a miscarriage, there is nothing you can do but wait... There's no medication to stop it, or "special" procedure that doctors can preform to reverse it. So I waited it out... In a physical and literal sense. 

When I finally felt a little better I shared the news with my family & they were so encouraging, supportive, & most importantly - Prayer warriors. They wished they'd known sooner, but of course I thought.. We'd have a chance to "Announce" it to them and it would be so exciting for us all.. But that announcement never came..! 

They say that things get better the second time around, but for us the second time was even worst. I prayed so hard the first time that, it would be the last time.. But it wasn't. I mean I had heard of women going on to have successful pregnancies after miscarriage so I thought surely this would be the case for us. 

Just a few months later, there we were again.. This time I knew I was pregnant, I mean we were trying, right?! I had all the symptoms, but I refused to take a test because I didn't want to get a - . 

So I tried to wait as long as I could to find out. We celebrated my birthday, again In NC, this time in Raleigh & when we returned home. I was like ok, late Bday gift I'm ready for you!! 

We stopped at the store to buy a HPT & I took it as soon as we hit the door.

We waited in the room & went to look together, we were so shocked & excited to see "pregnant +"!!  My husband of course said "I knew it... You've had all the symptoms." ~Translation you've been soooo moody lol. ~ 

We immediately prayed, & tried not to get "too ahead of ourselves" because you know what happened last time.. But anyway... 

This time I wasn't waiting to tell my family, I realized the first time, I really needed them, from beginning to end on this journey, especially if anything were to happen.. I would need them again to be my support system, encouragement & Prayer warriors. I did not want to suffer in silence because I wanted to make the perfect "announcement." I just wanted to bask in the glory of each day, We were Pregnant! 

As soon as I got confirmation from my doctor via blood work, I called my mom, I told my sisters, my best friend, & even my son & again we ALL were extremely Happy!! 

The fear and reservations I had vanished & I was taking each day, each week, one step at a time. 

& then it happened, AGAIN... 

Exactly One Month ago Today. (This post was written in 2015) This time it was even more gut wrenching. 

The first couple of appointments everything seemed fine, HCG was doubling accordingly the symptoms were certainly there. The doctor wanted me to do an early ultrasound because of the previous miscarriage this time however, just to be sure everything was on track. 

While apprehensive, it was exciting... You mean I get to see this little miracle even sooner?! Yay!!! I prepared for the ultrasound and thought about it that entire week. That day I googled other 6W5D ultrasounds so I'd know what I should "expect" to see & when I got in the room and we only saw the SAC I knew instantly that something wasn't right... But I wanted to hold on to hope. 

The ultrasound technician tried to be optimistic in saying "well it's still early so we may be able to see the baby next week," but again that small voice was preparing me, I knew it was the beginning of the end. 

I scheduled that appointment to be back in a week.. & told my husband about everything when I got home. Next week came but not before the spotting over the weekend. I was going into that appointment knowing the deal, & the only surprise I got was that my husband was there in the waiting room when I arrived to be alongside me this time. 

She did the ultrasound & again, No Heartbeat.. I thought I'd cry, but I had prepared myself so I didn't. When she went out the room to get the doctor my husband looked at me and said "this is our testimony" and he was right. It was so reassuring to hear that because at this time the enemy was trying to have his way in saying my husband would be disappointed because right now I wasn't able to give him a baby. Thankfully I have a God fearing man who instead prayed with me and told me, it's til death do us part, when we took those vows we meant them, we already have one child, (his step child) & that I'm stuck with him no matter what!! { If you know my husband, he's a jokester so while it was a very sentimental time I couldn't help but laugh because of the way in which he said it.} God knew I needed him to be there & that his patients for once... Could wait ;) 

The doctor came in still not wanting to "say just yet" but instead, "come back in a week for another ultrasound."  That week came and she finally said the pregnancy wasn't progressing and I would miscarry naturally. 

I had already accepted it. My body went in "labor" or so it felt like labor for those 30 mins 4 days after that appointment. 

I sat in the bathroom letting Nature take its course. My husband would check on me every now and then & my son just gave me my space (he's super clingy, so giving someone space is a miracle by all means lol) & after ..... I felt a sense of peace, I was on the road to truly healing. God was cleansing & purifying me through the process and I was coming out victorious.  

Now I can truly empathize with other 1 in 4's and hope what I've endured can help someone else. 

                     A few important things I've gained from this experience 

        Trust God with ALL your heart! 

• Learn to trust God & be content with him & only him.. Walk by Faith as hard as it is, you don't just get hand outs from God.  You have to walk with him and TRUST him to do what he said he would do. 

        There's a time & season under the sun for everything. 

•Don't let anyone not even yourself instill fear in your heart because of What it may "look" like... That seed gets in your Spirit & in the way of you trusting God. This is your journey, your testimony, your story. Embrace it.  When you are walking according to Gods will, EVERYTHING IS WORKING TOGETHER FOR YOUR GOOD! & eventually you will be rewarded for your faithfulness.  

Some people ask "well how do you know this is Gods will or if I am in it?!" It's simple. The apostle Paul wrote "rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is Gods will for you" When you are praising instead of pity partying, you're growing, & learning, & sometimes that's what God wants to teach you the most through that test. 

         This is not the end. 

•It is not over!! "This sickness is not unto death but so that the son of God can be glorified through it." John 11:4 

Sometimes you feel like God made you a promise he didn't keep, & you get angry with God when things didn't go your way. That's when it's hard to keep worshiping. But my question is this, Can you worship while The Word is working?

What he started he will be faithful to complete until the day of Christ Jesus. Let it be well with you, the process is not always easy, but keep the Faith and until you see the manifestation know that it's not over. 

The devil would love for you to give up and be defeated. God created us with this very intentional purpose, to "multiply & subdue" the earth. The devil comes to steal, kill, & destroy, he wants nothing more but for you to quit. Don't let him WIN. This is only the end if you choose for it to be. We cannot control our circumstances but we can control our choices. Choose Victory over defeat. 

            The bigger the difficulty the greater the blessing. 

•God didn't promise you'd never suffer loss. But he did promise that he's the restorer of all things. Rest in his arms and in HIS promises. Focus on praise and you will find peace and happiness. Everything that has been taken away from you will be restored!! If you just ........ Wait upon the Lord. 

That's the season we are in .. WAITING .. Everyones waiting is different for some it may be IVF, Adoption, or even Surrogacy---But no matter the process remember to be content and rejoice every step of the way! Is it hard at times? Of Course! But it is also a blessing. Our marriage is stronger because of this. We haven't let multiple miscarriages put a wedge between our union because there's only room for God in that space.

We are in total contentment, & it's peaceful. We know God is in control. & what he's promised us, he will be faithful to complete & bless us with .. In Due Season!! He cannot lie :) 

"And let us not lose heart & grow weary & faint in acting nobly and doing right, for in due TIME & at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not loosen & relax our courage & Faint." - Galatians 6:9 💜 

Edited to add: We went on to miscarry again in April 2016 shortly before conceiving our Rainbow Baby. It was hard. Really Hard. & at that point we gave up on “trying” and just decided to wait. However, that next month on our anniversary trip we conceived our most expensive souvenir to date :) We really, let GO & Let God. No trying, no caring if we did or did not. It was too exhausting to even worry.

Today we are so fortunate, so full, so blessed, so thankful that we are now parents to three beautiful children including our special Rainbow Baby Ian, and sweet Baby Girl, Noelle.

So not only are we half way through July.. Which means we are half way through the year... yea already( seems like it was just January 1st) .. but Hubby is halfway through his first away rotation as a married man.

Boy has this month been interesting...

I've actually enjoyed the peace and quiet with out him or the kid around, just me all alone in the house = Serenity.  lol

I took a trip back home last weekend and really enjoyed spending some time with the kid before he went on his overnight camping week & my family... especially seeing my dad who hasn't been feeling too well lately. ( He's is the walking definition of faith, so he refuses to see a Doc, but God has given him signs that everything will be ok ) .

Although he wasn't too happy with my trip to Baltimore July 8th, I enjoyed just being around my family.. seeing my sisters, and going to MY church... (We have been visiting churches here but we have not found "the one" yet so going to NBCC was so refreshing.. I was even able to attend one of this years Vacation Bible School classes :)

Ne who about July 8th... yessssss as I said before GIRLS LOVEEEE BEYONCE.. only this time I realized that I actually like Jay Z more. I went to M&T Stadium to see the On The Run Tour featuring the married Duo and I have to say that I was more excited for Jigga Man than Bey (Guess its my NY roots) .. but I will say that to all who went it was not a waste of money, they put on a great show... To see them show intimate family pictures and videos was amazing! I admire how private they are with their personal life. "This is not real life" .

Since being back home again things have been more relaxed and refreshing.. Counting down the days til pieces of furniture arrive lol... I'm actually about to put together our dresser.. the nightstands came yesterday. I will post some pics of our home once my projects are completed.

I actually plan to surprise hubby today and go visit him on his rotation and maybe stay a day or two. (He's only an hour & 30 mins away) !!! Hope everyone is doing well.. I am certainly enjoying the last bit of summer break that I have until LAW SCHOOL begins next month ... eeeekkkk!