Everyone loves to say Noah & I are #RelationshipGoals & while it's cute, sometimes I cringe because I'm always thinking "you have no idea!!" People see the external success of a Doctor & Lawyer- to be- duo & they are mesmerized with the titles having no clue what it takes to make this unit function.
So since our anniversary is tomorrow I thought it would be ideal to share some insight for those who have similar #RelationshipGoals as us.
SACRIFICE - You have to be willing to sacrifice! I put this one first because I can't stress it enough.
There is a lot of behind the scenes that comes along with the title of "Doctors Wife." A bunch of people assume because your husbands a "Doctor" everything is perfect, you're rich, & you have no problems in the world- & if you do -money can fix it! Ummmm All of those things are FALSE. Don't get me wrong, I love our life and I am not complaining at all, but it is not liken to the image people have made up in their minds for it to be!
I've gotten comments before like "You're lucky your husbands a Dr. y'all are gonna be rich" or my favorite "Why are you even in Law School? You can just be a stay at home wife who shops all day". LOL I can't laugh at these misconceptions hard enough. Breaking News: Being a "Doctors Wife" is not that glamorous.
Granted there are a ton of Doctors in certain specialties that are what the world would consider rich because of the money they make, but that is not the case for most Physicians. It is true however that we personally are rich, but it is only because we have things money cannot buy- each other :)
A lot of people want the "perks" without doing the work.
I am here to tell you, being a Doctors Wife usually means at times you come second. Ok, first after God but seriously, your husbands patients come first! So why yes I'm lucky I get to live a totally unpredictable life most of the time. It makes for some excitement occasionally but it can also be a total buzz kill.
That date you planned & got all dressed up for can easily be put on hold when he's on call. Those typical holidays or times that are spent "with family" can sometimes be spent ALONE, yup that includes your birthday, your kids "important" events & even anniversaries. Set your expectations low- actually you might be better off having none. lol
I joke all the time about being a "single wife." I learned the game quickly and how to master getting things done without my husband being present. Now I will say we get a lot of family time compared to some, but that was because of his sacrifice: he intentionally chose a specialty that would allow him to have a balanced family life- which means more than the monetary gain of other high-income specialties.
Also, being married to a law student is rough. Most of their days and nights are spent studying. ALL. THE. TIME! If you can't sacrifice your needs for the betterment of your partners academic obligations, sorry, but It ain't for you.
I was sooooooo fortunate that Noah had gone through 2 years of medical school before I decided to go to law school. He understood my life and struggles in a way a normal Spouse or just people in general might wrestle to comprehend.
My friends would call me all the time & here's how the conversation would go
Them: What are you doing?
Me: Studying.
It got to the point that they didn't even ask when they called because they always knew the response but it was 100% accurate. Whenever I was not in class, I was usually studying. I did give myself one day a week (typically Sunday) to do nothing related to law school, but aside from that even on my longgggg commute or in the gym I listened to my outlines that were pre-recorded on my phone. I was constantly learning.
The times where I was not studying were few and far between. It takes true sacrifice to know that there isn't much "free time" to spend with your partner- so just sitting in the same room with them while reading or making up raps to help prepare for final exams, can sometimes be "date night." {This is a picture of Noah acting as though he was in a section popping bottles, while we rapped rule statements for me to remember for an exam 1L year}
While I enjoyed those moments and wouldn't trade them for anything, if you're not willing to understand that you can't do/date/be on the scene like everyone else (the training years are straight up Grind Time) you'll have a hard time making it work with any person in a high demanding career.
Oh & speaking of misconceptions & sacrifice, most physician spouses who are SAHMoms/Wives that you think are with their husband for his money and stay home because they got it like that! (where?) lol - are usually well educated women who had to put their lives on hold for their spouse.
#BecauseMarriedToMedicine
I've come to learn that for many physician spouses the decision to stay at home was typically because their partners training made it difficult with so many moves. Most couples move at least 3x on the medical journey, if they're together from the start. (Med School, Residency, Real Job.) Usually all are different places. It's HARD to just pick up and find a new job in your career field at a beneficial pay grade every time your spouse relocates {& this isn't even adding the extra layer of being a Military Physician} I am not saying this only because it is my current reality. IT IS 100 PERCENT TRUE.
I belong to a private group on Facebook comprised of ONLY Physician spouses, and many of them are not at home because they chose to be. Sometimes on this journey - medicine will make that decision for you. THAT IS A TRUE SACRIFICE.
Putting your career and needs on hold to ensure that your spouse fulfills their dream isn't always the fairy tale that people think.
You can't be #RelationshipGoals if you are not willing to sacrifice things for one another. Be it a job, being close to family, starting your own family, & even simple luxuries (like a cup of coffee from Starbucks) when you're on a tight student/residents budget!
In relationships period you have to die to self daily, but in a Marriage - it's so much more pertinent.
SELFLESS- You have to be Selfless! I know it sounds cliche but for real, there is no I in Team!
Acts of sacrifice, sprinkled freely throughout a marriage, make love richer and deeper. We all know that, so what's the problem with doing it?! Self. Self always gets in the way.
Self constantly asks for more: What about my needs? What about my hurts? What about my time? Sacrificial love challenges us to give to our partner in uncomfortable or unreasonable ways — ways that cost us emotion, time and pride. If you can't put SELF aside, your relationship will surely die.
Selflessness is not a marriage strategy but a heart transformation in Christ. Jesus defines selflessness from the Incarnation to Calvary, so to be selfless is to identify with Him. You can't teach your spouse to be selfless, if they ain't got it- you can only pray & let God do the rest.
You should desire (it shouldn't be a burden- but rather intentional) to value your partner so much that their best really is your goal too!
Which leads me to my next point:
A power Couple is A PRAYING COUPLE. If not for our relationship with Christ- this marriage would not work. It is so easy to fall short in your relationship when God is not the center of it. There were times when I couldn't even pray for myself, but Noah would literally get on his knees and pray for me!
There were also times where I wanted to argue [I meannnn that is what lawyers do right? Lol -I like to call them healthy debates though] and the Lord would tell me not now...and then Noah would come home and talk about losing a patient that day.
In those moments my pettiness would go out the window because what I wanted to argue about wasn't even that important. (No joke it's usually things like- him stealing my hangers or leaving closet doors open lol-OCD just a tad) But if the Lord wasn't helping me to discern- instead of being teammates comforting one another when the world seems to be getting the best of us, we'd be the source of unnecessary stress.
Don't get it twisted, we're not perfect! We "debate" but it is never that deep. 5 minutes after we go right back to being best friends (another thing that's super important, you have to be FRIENDS) and playing on the same team. (Ok sometimes a grudge may be held for an additional 10-15 minutes lol). Nevertheless, that is how it is suppose to be. We took a vow in the sight of God, for better or for worst- so we fight TOGETHER never against each other.
Our success and love for one another is heavily influenced by our love for God. If you don't have that, in my opinion you don't have anything.
However, when you combine sacrifice, selflessness, & Christ you have a nice blueprint to success.
SUCCESS: that is so much better when you're Together - Team Work is what makes a family successful together.
Children included (of course not the babies - although their nap schedule is vital to getting things done- but the older children should contribute to the success of the family as well.)
I cannot stress enough how important Kubb's role was to my success. Whether it was the occasional mom I love you for motivation or helping around the house. But most importantly he did his job! SCHOOL. I tell him all the time how important it is for him to do well in school, to study without being told, & not to get in trouble. Mainly because I have very high expectations of him. I know he's beyond capable of doing all the things I ask of him, but also it is because I didn't have too much "free time" to be up at the school ironing things out for him. The fact that he's always stepped up is such a blessing! He's always gone above and beyond at his "job" and at home. I'm proud to be his momma!
When you're playing for the same team you do your best to hold your team down! Usually that just means just doing your part.
Not worrying about 50/50 but stepping up & filling in the gap whenever & wherever it's needed. Marriage isn't 50/50 marriage is 100/100. If you want to argue because it was his/her time to do something and they forgot or didn't because of a long day at work/school... again, it isn't going to work for you. You gotta be willing to roll up your sleeves do the job yourself, and NOT keep score.
True love brings out the greatest version of you. It takes a real man/woman to help your partner achieve their goals, support each other when you have nothing, push each other when you feel like giving up, shower each other with positive energy, compliment each other on a regular basis, & never kick the other while they're down. Instead- rising together in LOVE because you're ALWAYS helping each other Up!!
If you're not willing to Sacrifice & be Selfless, your #RelationshipGoals will forever remain just that. A goal that is never achieved.
Next time you feel the urge to hashtag #RelationshipGoals on someones picture, take a moment to ponder what may happen behind the scenes. The highlight reel isn't always as it seems.
